Let start by saying I am not much of a risk taker, and after going back through my blog, this is the third post like this that I have written. If anyone ever played life too safe it is probably me. I never really allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to chance failing, or to suffer any form of loss, whether it be my reputation, social status, money or people. In trying to protect me, I lost me, and so often I lost the things I was trying to hold onto. I settled more often than I should have and easily fell into a pattern that I was unable to get out of. One thing after another, I have continued to settle for things less than I desired. I know I have probably done irreparable damage to the people around me that have watched me flail around like fish on the shore, never finding its way back into the water. That knowledge breaks my heart.
I tell myself: “take a chance, what do you have to lose?”.
I make excuses: “Oh no I could not do that, that would be too risky.” “I might make a fool of myself.” “I might lose all my money.” “I might embarrass those I care about.” “I will probably fail.” “I just.. I just cannot do it.”
So I do not do anything, or I do what is easy. I am forty five years old, and today I am determined that it is time to begin, for once in my life, to take a real risk. I cannot do what is comfortable, easy, or what I think everyone else wants me to do. I must really take a chance on myself and my future.
I am not talking about daydreams of being a rock star. I am talking about those things in me that could make a difference in the lives of others. I have never wanted anything more than to be able to brighten someone else’s day. And as cheesy as that sounds, that is what is in me. I have been told, when I am being serious and not kidding around, my words change the atmosphere, and I encourage people often without really trying. I know that is who I am, and I know that is the biggest dream inside of me.
I have some real decisions to make in the very near future, and I am going to do what is best for me. I have to. I have to stop talking about it, and do something. I could give a thousand reasons why I have not already done something, and I guess of late I have been in a holding pattern while dealing with my shoulder. It is high time to fly, the opportunity to do that is now, and I am taking a risk.