Real

I just wanna be honest and real for a minute. I’ve written blogs before, and they either talk about what I’m going through at the moment or about what I’m gonna do. So many people, myself included, live one life on the outside while the real one is on the inside crying in a desperate attempt to live free.

I’m sad and I’m afraid.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever not be, and I’ll just be happy. Joy seems so fleeting. Even in the moments that should be the happiest of all, there’s always a sadness and a fear that never escapes me. I feel crippled to do anything with my life, and let’s be honest I am crippled most of the time. Nothing I’ve planned to do or be ever seems to really make it passed the “Plan”. Oh sure I’ll do something for a little while, but the plan always ends up having to be altered, and then it just fizzles out.

I end up right back where I started.

I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. Why am I the way that I am? I used to think “life” was just cruel and unfair, but somehow I knew there had to be more to it than that. I’ve often wondered, do I have some kind of chemical imbalance, or is something really wrong with me?

I don’t have to stay this way, do I?

I’ve read books. I’ve talked to people. I’ve listened to people speak whom I trust. I’ve even talked to my doctor, but yet here I am.

I’ve had some of the most incredible things happen in my life, so I don’t think I have any reason to feel this way. I have family and friends that love me and take care of me. I’ve had jobs that brought fulfillment if only for a season. I’ve been privileged to visit other countries. I’ve flown on planes and ridden on ships. I’ve seen animals in their natural habitat on the other side of the world. I’ve been to the point where two oceans meet. I’ve watched the sun rise and set in the middle of the ocean. I’ve fed the poor, both home and abroad. I’ve spoken in front of few, and I’ve spoken in front of many. I’ve received gifts and given gifts that both let me feel other’s love for me but also allowed me to express my love for them. I’ve been in the greatest of company and the grandest of celebrations. I’ve seen couples exchange vows in the most beautiful ceremonies. I’ve witnessed children born fresh into the very world I’m terrified to live in, while the innocence and purity of that life, at the same time, gave me joy.

They say/I hear…

Just be happy.

Don’t be afraid.

Don’t be sad.

Don’t be lonely.

Just do it.

Coming from a Christian background, I would always hear just let God handle it. Just trust Him, he’ll help you. I’d get all the bible verses, or someone would play a song, and then I’d feel better. Sometimes it lasted for just a moment; sometimes it would last a while.

I wish it were simple.

I guess that ultimately all of it works together. I try to remember: the happy times, the things I did accomplish, the words of encouragement that gave me hope, the verses in the bible that brought peace, the songs that gave comfort, the ear that always listened.

Sometimes doing everything right still feels like nothing, but I/you/we still have to try, right?

Why?

We just do… because I’m important.

You’re important.

We’re important.

We all have something to give. We all have someone who needs us to receive from them.

I know many people have way worse fears and pain and sadness than I do, and I pray you find peace. I pray you find what works for you. I’m still searching…

and I hope I find it too.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Real

  1. This is inspiring. I know that sounds weird, but it is. I am in this same spot a lot. Not all the time, but I find this feeling creeping back in on occasion. You know me, I’m a just do it kinda girl. Just think differently, just be happy, if you don’t like it change it. Well it can only work for so long. You can be in so many different places doing so many different kinds of things that bring fulfillment and it still not make a different. Some may say you are depressed and some may say that you have high anxiety and all that stuff, which may be true. Some people do need medicinal help, but some people need to learn to love themselves for who they are, and that is what God has been teaching me this year. No, God will not do it for you. No matter what people say, HE will not. He will be there for you just like everyone else, but he will not change it. He gave us free will for a reason, he gave us the ability to change our own circumstances. For the first time I have really figured out what I really want to do in the world. I want to help people learn to love themselves. However God has me do that. I bet it won’t be the same every time. I have recently been dreaming of creating a love yourself workshop. Not to make people conceded, but to help people be okay with who they are and embrace it. Don’t have any idea how that will come about and I know that I’m not even close to figuring it out myself. One of the first things I have learned is the first step. Step one: How have I affected the lives of other people? Well let me tell you something. Not even getting into everything you have done for me over my life, but one thing you have done for me is help me learn how to understand who my own son is. By knowing who you are and how you handle things and how you look at life has helped me understand Charlie’s perspective on a lot of things. If it wasn’t for you and Ashley. I don’t know if Charlie and I would understand each other as well as we do. He is different than the other two and looks at life completely different. I would feel completely disconnected with me own kid if you hadn’t been who you are. So for that I thank you a million times over.
    Loving yourself is hard work. Just like regular love, it is a daily choice, and sometimes as humans we make the wrong choice, but where God comes in is that He gives us unlimited chances.

    Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s